While some dismiss difficult or traumatic upbringings by saying, “I’m over it,” others seem
tormented by them and unable to break free. To what extent do our parents shape our future
and how can we work with those affects rather than by denying or drowning in them? (Hint, hint:
therapy can help!) If you hold onto a story such as, “I can never hold down a relationship” or “I
always go from partner to partner,” are parents to blame or are you responsible? And even if
parents are to blame, what can be done to bring ease into our adult relationships and break free
of tired intergenerational patterns?
The short answer is yes, how we were parented definitely impacts our adult relationships, and
even beyond that, it impacts how we navigate the world, how we feel in our own skin, sort
information, and even what we dream at night. When we are young, our brains are plastic which
means they absorb information readily and are adaptable to change. Because of this, the impact
parenting has on future relationships is profound. For better or worse, our understanding of
every word and experience is marked by our first encounter with it. In each relationship, our
early ones also resonate which can be painful or pleasurable depending on how it went.
Over time, new memories stack on old ones. You might think the early memories would get
buried under new ones, but that isn’t always so. Which memories resonate loudest has to do
with your nervous system. Chances are, if you were in survival mode for much of childhood
because of trauma such as abuse or neglect whether benign or malignant, those memories are
etched deep, seemingly protecting you from future harm. Just being parented by someone very
different from you, someone who didn’t get your sense of humor, can create toxic stress by
leaving you feeling invalidated, misunderstood, and alone. Chronic stress like this from
childhood affects the brain and raises cortisol levels creating anxiety that could be affecting your
adult relationships to this day.
Surveys such as the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) Questionnaire show the impact of
early events on our wellbeing in all spheres of life from our physical and mental health to how
much money we make and job satisfaction. While adverse experiences with our parents can
leave us vulnerable, positive ones are protective, building resilience against future hardships.
The concept of “the good enough mother” from psychologist Donald Winnicot presents the idea
that parents will always make mistakes, and that the repair is more important than the rupture.
However, if your parents didn’t repair after a rupture, that could leave you with a childhood
wound.
Jason Murphy, LMFT, organizes childhood wounds from parenting gaps into four categories:
Rejection Trauma, Abandonment Trauma, Injustice Trauma, and Betrayal Trauma.
Rejection Trauma:
tormented by them and unable to break free. To what extent do our parents shape our future
and how can we work with those affects rather than by denying or drowning in them? (Hint, hint:
therapy can help!) If you hold onto a story such as, “I can never hold down a relationship” or “I
always go from partner to partner,” are parents to blame or are you responsible? And even if
parents are to blame, what can be done to bring ease into our adult relationships and break free
of tired intergenerational patterns?
The short answer is yes, how we were parented definitely impacts our adult relationships, and
even beyond that, it impacts how we navigate the world, how we feel in our own skin, sort
information, and even what we dream at night. When we are young, our brains are plastic which
means they absorb information readily and are adaptable to change. Because of this, the impact
parenting has on future relationships is profound. For better or worse, our understanding of
every word and experience is marked by our first encounter with it. In each relationship, our
early ones also resonate which can be painful or pleasurable depending on how it went.
Over time, new memories stack on old ones. You might think the early memories would get
buried under new ones, but that isn’t always so. Which memories resonate loudest has to do
with your nervous system. Chances are, if you were in survival mode for much of childhood
because of trauma such as abuse or neglect whether benign or malignant, those memories are
etched deep, seemingly protecting you from future harm. Just being parented by someone very
different from you, someone who didn’t get your sense of humor, can create toxic stress by
leaving you feeling invalidated, misunderstood, and alone. Chronic stress like this from
childhood affects the brain and raises cortisol levels creating anxiety that could be affecting your
adult relationships to this day.
Surveys such as the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) Questionnaire show the impact of
early events on our wellbeing in all spheres of life from our physical and mental health to how
much money we make and job satisfaction. While adverse experiences with our parents can
leave us vulnerable, positive ones are protective, building resilience against future hardships.
The concept of “the good enough mother” from psychologist Donald Winnicot presents the idea
that parents will always make mistakes, and that the repair is more important than the rupture.
However, if your parents didn’t repair after a rupture, that could leave you with a childhood
wound.
Jason Murphy, LMFT, organizes childhood wounds from parenting gaps into four categories:
Rejection Trauma, Abandonment Trauma, Injustice Trauma, and Betrayal Trauma.
Rejection Trauma:
Rejection Trauma describes that feeling of “no one likes me.” Vulnerability can seem too risky,
and boundaries must be rigid in order to keep you safe. In adult relationships, you might long for
connection but be too scared to open up and get stuck in paralyzing cycles of opening up a little
then spiraling out in the uncertainty of not knowing what others think of you.
Abandonment Trauma:
Abandonment Trauma comes from being left by a parental figure at a crucial time in your
development resulting in fear of being abandoned again, a lack of healthy relationship models,
and a general feeling that you aren’t good enough or aren’t worthy of love. In romantic
partnerships, this can manifest as an excessive need for validation or difficulty expressing
vulnerability.
Injustice Trauma:
Injustice Trauma results from trauma such as abuse and leads to overwhelming feelings of
powerlessness, lack of control, and a general distrust of the world and others, a lack of safety,
and a protective layer of agitation or unpredictable moodswings. When it comes to dating or
long-term commitments, you might have a hard time with physical intimacy and trust, or be
attracted to chaos while craving security.
Betrayal Trauma:
Betrayal Trauma is often characterized by physiological distress, emotional dysregulation, and
symptoms such as anxiety or depression. You might have a hard time differentiating your own
feelings from your partner’s, keeping track of reality, and feeling confident your partner has your
back.
The good news is, repairs can come years later, and they can come to you in many shapes and
forms: from your aged and wizened parents or from support groups, friends, or a therapist.
Therapies like EMDR can help you reprocess difficult emotions from unprocessed wounds
linked to your upbringing while IFS can help you empathize with your disowned parts that were
neglected in youth. Mindfulness supports emotional regulation by teaching you to stay grounded
and present with distressing emotions linked to the past. Even if you have Childhood Wounds,
they don’t have to define you. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy supports you in articulating
your values: anxiety doesn’t have to stop you from living the life you long for. Whatever model
you had for relationships, you aren’t bound to it anymore. You can imagine the relationship you
want and work towards it now. Adult brains are still plastic and receptive to change. New neural
connections can form, secure attachments can form, and your story is still unfolding.
connection but be too scared to open up and get stuck in paralyzing cycles of opening up a little
then spiraling out in the uncertainty of not knowing what others think of you.
Abandonment Trauma:
Abandonment Trauma comes from being left by a parental figure at a crucial time in your
development resulting in fear of being abandoned again, a lack of healthy relationship models,
and a general feeling that you aren’t good enough or aren’t worthy of love. In romantic
partnerships, this can manifest as an excessive need for validation or difficulty expressing
vulnerability.
Injustice Trauma:
Injustice Trauma results from trauma such as abuse and leads to overwhelming feelings of
powerlessness, lack of control, and a general distrust of the world and others, a lack of safety,
and a protective layer of agitation or unpredictable moodswings. When it comes to dating or
long-term commitments, you might have a hard time with physical intimacy and trust, or be
attracted to chaos while craving security.
Betrayal Trauma:
Betrayal Trauma is often characterized by physiological distress, emotional dysregulation, and
symptoms such as anxiety or depression. You might have a hard time differentiating your own
feelings from your partner’s, keeping track of reality, and feeling confident your partner has your
back.
The good news is, repairs can come years later, and they can come to you in many shapes and
forms: from your aged and wizened parents or from support groups, friends, or a therapist.
Therapies like EMDR can help you reprocess difficult emotions from unprocessed wounds
linked to your upbringing while IFS can help you empathize with your disowned parts that were
neglected in youth. Mindfulness supports emotional regulation by teaching you to stay grounded
and present with distressing emotions linked to the past. Even if you have Childhood Wounds,
they don’t have to define you. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy supports you in articulating
your values: anxiety doesn’t have to stop you from living the life you long for. Whatever model
you had for relationships, you aren’t bound to it anymore. You can imagine the relationship you
want and work towards it now. Adult brains are still plastic and receptive to change. New neural
connections can form, secure attachments can form, and your story is still unfolding.
